Thursday, November 17, 2011

She is Failing Fast

It is hard to believe she will last much longer. The cancer is progressing rapidly and her body is shutting down equally as fast. Yesterday afternoon she seemed to take a step down. She was out of it most of the afternoon and evening. I couldn't rouse her for visitors. She also would not drink anything, or swallow. That is a problem in terms of pill delivery. Fortunately, for two important drugs, I could administer them through her port access IV line. The other I had to administer in an alternate way. Hopefully, the hospice nurse will have the others she needs in different forms - i.e. a cream or IV push.

She is pretty delusional and even with her eyes open does not appear to be viewing the same things we see. It's disconcerting and rough on the boys. Last night I had no med delivery duties between 10pm and 6am. So I had a block of time in which I could have slept, in theory. However she was quite vocal and active, so it's hard not react and as a result I didn't get much sleep.

It is entirely surreal to sit and wait for your wife to die. Equally so to watch your mom die. She is already pretty far gone, and there were times I was convinced she wouldn't draw that next breath, and was hoping for it. Because I hate to see her suffer, whether it is her coughing fits or wave of vertigo. Since there is no cure or recovery, and she has suffered quite enough, it seems a kindness to have it end sooner rather than later. We have all said our goodbyes and I told her yesterday several times it was ok for her to go, that the boys and I would be ok, and that we would be carrying her in our hearts forever. It would be a wonder if she had a moment of clarity before she goes, and create a certain bit of final closure for me, and for the boys. It's unlikely, so I am glad we did it earlier when she had more capacity.

1 comment:

  1. 6 years ago we spent a summer with my husband's family as his mother was losing (and lost) her life to esophageal cancer. Your words remind me a lot of those final days we spent with her. I am so thankful she was able to be at home surrounded by her loved ones, just as Meagan is. But I don't know if it makes it any easier for the family; it is an extremely difficult situation to be in, and I feel for you and your boys during these days.