Numb

There is a period of time after you get back from an extended stay at a hospital in which you are simply numb. While at the hospital you get very little sleep, you have this constant bombardment of noise and stimulation from the ICU, you are trying to process all kinds of incoming information about medical condition and what it means and what to do, and you are tending and caring for your loved one who needs emotional and physical support. Even in the best care facilities like an ICU, the nurses get busy and you need to remind them of things or go find a substitute to change the saline solution or medicine drip. Then of course there is the added burden of managing the (legitimate) incoming requests for visits and status updates. Sometimes I feel like just chucking my iPhone in the trash.

Coming home is a relief in lots of ways. There is still a lot to manage - the medication schedule, the emotions, being the social secretary, the dynamic with the kids, household management and food, and the physical aspects (wound management, navigation around the house safely). But there is a bit more time when she is on her chair or with a visitor and I have some time. And I find myself just completely drained of initiative, motivation or desire to do much of anything. Sometimes I simply sit and stare out at the garden or if I'm lucky enough Casey will come back and want to throw the ball around with me and we can enjoy that mindless ritual of the back and forth of the throw and smack of the catch.

This is just a stage, I know eventually I get my mojo back and start doing the things I would like to do. It reminds of of times when I've gone on long competitive bike rides for 6-12 hours when at the end all you want to do is just sit on the ground and drink a beverage and stare at the trees - because you are just physically and mentally drained. I'm grateful that at least the weather is improving so I can go through this period being outdoors some.