Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Post Results Day Paralysis

It is a fantastically beautiful day in Seattle today. I was able to sneak out and get a one and 1/2 hour ride in this morning while the boys were both here with Meagan - so got the endorphins going and the scenery on my Lake Washington ride loop is pretty incredible - both volcanoes out in full glory (Mt. Rainier, Mt. Baker) and the lake was calm and blue. So I should be feeling pretty good and motivated and able to tackle a few things on the chore list. But I find myself paralyzed by the opportunity. I feel like doing nothing. Not even reading. This is not the first time I've felt this way. It comes with the territory of the build up to the scan results and the figuring out of the plan. It kind of feels like when I have finished some epic 6-10 hour bike ride, when you are all cleaned up, but have nothing in the tank and just want to sit and stare at the wall. I'm ok with this. I don't feel guilty (like I might have in the past). It's just an interesting phenomenon  - one I accept - that is probably pretty common amongst caregivers. So I think I will go outside and watch the birds.

The one thing I did do this morning besides ride, was send an inquiry via email to Dr. Kaplan about Meagan's prescription for the chemotherapy, Temodar. It's clearly not working after three months, so I asked him about stopping or changing. He got back to me and said to stop it, and that after her Gamma knife treatment next week, when we see him on Oct. 4th, that he'd switch her to a different chemo - probably Abraxane. It has shown some promise with melanoma even though developed for breast cancer. It appears to be given by IV infusion every 2-3 weeks. But yes, it does have side effects, including hair loss between days 14-21. I told Meagan, and fortunately the fireworks weren't too severe. It's worth trying, and her hair is short and she's half bald in the back anyway, so what the heck. Another indignity.

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