Friday, March 4, 2011

How Can Calm Days Feel So Strange?

News flash...nothing happened to day on the cancer front. No new tumors, no scan results, no appointments. Relative calm amongst the troops. Casey and I had a fabulous hike up to Twin Falls (exit 34 off I-90 just past North Bend). We did have a chance to talk about the cancer, and prognosis and pathways - and it was helpful. But mostly an enjoyable day.

So why does an an enjoyable day in some ways make me feel guilty? Because there must be something I could be doing. Alas, not so. We have our game plan for March (stay the course with the anti-hormone drugs). We have scans scheduled for the end of the month. We know the plan for April if there is progression. We have Plans D and E (National Cancer Institute and Cancer Care Alliance clinical trials) for after that. The kids are coping. Meagan looks fabulous and is eating very well. We have a second opinion naturopath visit scheduled for next week with someone who specializes in oncology and the link between conventional and alternative therapy. We've researched the heck out of treatments and side effect management.

So it's a good day. But there is that taint in the back of the head. Knowing we face a very difficult challenge. Wanting to be in the moment and live each day fully and with high quality. But it is darn hard! Even at the end of the yoga/tai chi/pilates class I take a couple days a week and they have the warm down mediation, I cannot get the topic out of my head. It's like the cosmic background radiation from the Big Bang - always there and always making a noise. I guess I am not "zen" enough. I do admire those people who are able to empty their minds and be in and of the moment. It's not me. Probably never will be.

So I get to enjoy these good days - and I genuinely do. But they are not free of the worry and concern.

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