tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46539354278083272752024-03-05T03:28:54.792-08:00Cancer and Stroke Cabana BoyA field guide for men who are supporting their wife or significant other in becoming free of cancer. Especially when they are hit by a stroke in mid-treatment. I outline the process and experiences, and offer tips and hints for others. My dear wife, Meagan, died from Stage 4 melanoma cancer.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger398125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-65604677912839591542013-02-24T11:49:00.002-08:002013-02-24T11:49:48.556-08:00After a pretty lengthy hiatus from writing, the fog of grief has lifted enough for me to start some new activities. One of my efforts is to write about grief, grief recovery, and life reborn. I'll be doing that at this site....<br />
<a href="http://griefforguys.blogspot.com/">http://griefforguys.blogspot.com/</a><br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-71640211043778640662011-12-05T12:26:00.000-08:002011-12-05T12:27:04.693-08:00Meagan<div></div> <div class="page" title="Page 2"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA-AmNgLzTQc46S1tdqEsvCUGzVXTAfBKaB9Nwbq9egfXXHfFa8PAPVqlujCaHpUxkXd1vM8UM0m5NlQjwTn7VYq_flLv1nzgo6NC4tbBudXtg_XqkXtwIer5nohfHYV3u1rMKbVEGLhs/s1600/page2image132-724694.png"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA-AmNgLzTQc46S1tdqEsvCUGzVXTAfBKaB9Nwbq9egfXXHfFa8PAPVqlujCaHpUxkXd1vM8UM0m5NlQjwTn7VYq_flLv1nzgo6NC4tbBudXtg_XqkXtwIer5nohfHYV3u1rMKbVEGLhs/s320/page2image132-724694.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682743490422250450" /></a> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-10020618397983286892011-12-02T15:03:00.001-08:002011-12-02T15:03:34.843-08:00The End. The Final Post.It's a fitting day to conclude this blog, which chronicled our journey in 2011. <p>I do plan on writing a book, using a lot of the content from this blog. Look for it in 2012. <p>Thanks to all for the kind words, love, and support. <p>And most of all, thank you to Meagan, who was every bit as genuine, loving, warm, and supportive in private as she was in public. She was a wonderful wife, an amazing mother, a best friend, and as good a woman as you'll ever find.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-35083214103931308032011-12-01T20:05:00.000-08:002011-12-01T20:05:30.948-08:00With Deep AppreciationThere are a number of people working very hard to create a wonderful celebration for Meagan tomorrow. I am thankful they are in our lives and have been so willing to do this. They are just remarkable.<br />
<br />
This "party" (to Meagan's way of thinking) is likely to be quite memorable.<br />
<br />
Separately, and in response to a number of inquiries - the boys and I are doing ok. It's still a shock, even though we knew it was coming. As time goes by I realize more and more how intense the situation was over the last couple months (certainly over the last eight since her stroke). With the weight lifted, I can now recall the events and feelings and see how difficult it really was, for her and for us. It was a helluva battle.<br />
<br />
I'm also hit by waves of grief and sadness. I was reviewing the program a couple of times several days ago and it includes a photo of her which I provided - so it was not new to me. And yet, just seeing it and reading the words connected to it in the program just made my knees buckle. I have spent many periods of time over the last week in thought and reflection - some happy, some quite sad. All normal I suppose, but new for me.<br />
<br />
I have been able to start catching up on some sleep. So I'm starting to feel somewhat human again.<br />
<br />
The MacPhee boys all got tattoos the early part of last year. Mine is on my right calf, Casey's is on his right ribs, and Riley's is on his forearm. (We got Meagan a medallion with the image of it to wear on a chain around her neck, which she did). It is of the MacPhee Scottish clan crest and includes a family motto which we came up with. It proved pretty prescient. It is in Latin - "Salus in Arduis", which translates as "a stronghold in difficulty". Our nuclear family really pulled together over this last 18 months to support Meagan through this difficult and, ultimately final journey. Now we are to be tested further as we say goodbye to Meagan with a grand celebration and embark on our new lives without her. We have each other, and we will maintain our stronghold for each other. But most importantly, we recognize we are not doing it alone. Our stronghold is the best one could hope for, because it is not just the three of us with the tattoos, but is constituted by our "created family" of friends and loved ones. We could not be more fortunate.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-42896838436121051492011-11-30T18:09:00.001-08:002011-11-30T18:10:53.591-08:00One tiny bright spotWe've had such a rugged couple years that it is with a great deal of relief, happiness, and appreciation that I'm pleased as punch to announce that our son Casey was just accepted to the University of Washington as a transfer student starting Winter quarter. This is a huge deal for our family and provides him a wonderful platform to continue to grow, surrounded by loving and caring friends and family.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-69288823674332686902011-11-30T12:07:00.000-08:002011-11-30T12:19:07.286-08:00Meagan's CausesFor those that need help in figuring out how to make a contribution in Meagan's name to her favorite causes - here are some links...<br />
<br />
University of Washington Libraries - specify Special Collections, Rare Books<br />
<a href="https://www.washington.edu/giving/make-a-gift?source_typ=2&source=EJF" target="_blank">https://www.washington.edu/giving/make-a-gift?source_typ=2&source=EJF</a><br />
<br />
Rainier Scholars<br />
<a href="https://app.etapestry.com/hosted/RainierScholars/OnlineDonation.html" target="_blank">https://app.etapestry.com/hosted/RainierScholars/OnlineDonation.html</a><br />
<br />
Swedish Foundation<br />
when you fill in amount, there is a fill in box that you can specify Henry Kaplan Research Fund<br />
<a href="https://community.swedish.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=316" target="_blank">https://community.swedish.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=316</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-62567003659025918812011-11-28T14:41:00.001-08:002011-11-28T14:41:24.912-08:00Venue Announcement<div></div><div>I'm so pleased a suitable venue has been found to celebrate Meagan's life. Many thanks to the muses and faeries who have worked hard to line this up and who are planning the program. </div><div><br></div><div>A celebration of the life of Meagan MacPhee will take place <a href="x-apple-data-detectors://0" x-apple-data-detectors="true" x-apple-data-detectors-result="0">this Friday, December 2nd at 6 PM</a>. </div><div><br></div><div>The memorial will be held in the Great Hall at Green Lake located at <a href="x-apple-data-detectors://1" x-apple-data-detectors="true" x-apple-data-detectors-result="1">7220 Woodlawn Avenue NE, Seattle</a>.</div><div><br></div><div>Food and drink to follow.</div><div><br></div><div>Carpooling is encouraged. There are a few small pay lots close by but you may need to park in the neighborhood and walk to the Hall.</div><div><br></div><div>No gifts or flowers, please. Donations in Meagan's name may be made to her favorite causes: the University of Washington Special Collections Library, Rainier Scholars, and The Dr. Henry Kaplan Research Fund at the Swedish Hospital Foundation.</div><div><br></div><div>Somber attire is not permitted! We encourage you to be colorful!</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-1780395281616541502011-11-28T08:04:00.000-08:002011-11-28T08:04:22.683-08:00Final Life Celebration Arrangements Being MadeHope to announce later today the details of the celebration. Still planning on this Friday December 2nd, late afternoon here in Seattle. Many thanks to all our friends working on this.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-84414842866803503972011-11-27T04:59:00.000-08:002011-11-27T04:59:12.042-08:00Meagan's Official Obituary - Seattle Times November 27, 2011<a href="http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/seattletimes/obituary.aspx?n=meagan-macphee&pid=154756812" target="_blank">http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/seattletimes/obituary.aspx?n=meagan-macphee&pid=154756812</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-70189223385321011792011-11-25T09:57:00.001-08:002011-11-25T09:57:18.852-08:00Meagan at Decatur Island Farmer's Market<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidv7IeW_fY0TymWgpQuCbEBfdZNAsg1_XvRXXqoI5Uu1nOj11zXWmnVaDyjMAhtauCtLMRb0MJI4aHZL6opRIfCnPChorGGjriSKHR-o0waRJCzRXg7Im9qcRphm4m2Xo64GiSnoyAV9E/s1600/meagan+obit+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidv7IeW_fY0TymWgpQuCbEBfdZNAsg1_XvRXXqoI5Uu1nOj11zXWmnVaDyjMAhtauCtLMRb0MJI4aHZL6opRIfCnPChorGGjriSKHR-o0waRJCzRXg7Im9qcRphm4m2Xo64GiSnoyAV9E/s320/meagan+obit+pic.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-34637808377140462852011-11-25T06:08:00.000-08:002011-11-25T06:08:37.265-08:00Status Update - Celebration of Meagan's LifeTentative plans are for her celebration to be a week from today - Friday Dec. 2. Still trying to lock down a venue (difficult during the holiday season). Her obituary will be published this Sunday in the Seattle Times.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-17175583209906329442011-11-23T08:37:00.001-08:002011-11-23T08:37:33.303-08:00Written Tribute<div></div><div>Stacie Foster has offered the following:</div><div><br></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); font-size: 16px; color: rgb(0, 35, 163); font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; ">Meagan was a woman who cherished words, and I'd like to honor that side of her. Please send me an e-mail of a memory, a favorite quote or poem or reading, or something else in written tribute to Meagan. Put your name at the bottom. I'll print them and make a simple book for Nick and the boys. Please do this by <a href="x-apple-data-detectors://10" x-apple-data-detectors="true" style="color: blue; text-decoration: underline; ">December 1</a>, and send your emails to : <a href="mailto:sfoster@invictalaw.com" style="color: blue; text-decoration: underline; "><a href="mailto:sfoster@invictalaw.com">sfoster@invictalaw.com</a></a> with the subject line "MEAGAN". Thank you!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-42811654865327599832011-11-22T12:55:00.001-08:002011-11-22T12:55:30.573-08:00With thanks to a dear friend...<div></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); font-size: small; font-family: Arial; ">Tom Lennon has kindly offered to scan photos and provide technical support for the making of a Meagan Celebration slide show. We are asking our community to share your good/favorite photos of Meagan. <br><br>If you have digital photos, please send them to: <br><a href="mailto:tom@lennonkeegan.com" x-apple-data-detectors="true"><a href="mailto:tom@lennonkeegan.com">tom@lennonkeegan.com</a></a> <br><br>If you have hard copy photos, please send them to: <br>Tom Lennon <br><a href="x-apple-data-detectors://1" x-apple-data-detectors="true">712 16th Ave E, Seattle, 98112</a>. <br><br>Label everything so photos can be returned to you. If you have questions or need technical help, you may call Tom at <a href="tel:(206)%20406-4715" x-apple-data-detectors="true">(206) 406-4715</a>. </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-51144917094195745492011-11-22T04:34:00.000-08:002011-11-22T04:34:36.814-08:00Tentative PlanWe are thinking a celebration of Meagan's life around December 3rd. That will give us some time to grieve, to sleep, and to plan. Clearly a lot of sparkles have to be involved in any celebration. The boys and I will be talking about this today and it's important that they are a part of the entire process. But I don't think I am overstepping my bounds by giving everyone a heads-up as we have discussed this a bit. We are also planning on getting out of Dodge directly afterward for a week for a private R&R vacation. It has been a long haul for us, and we are all pretty burned out.<br />
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I'll use this blog to close out this final chapter, now that I am an unemployed cabana boy. So stay tuned for announcements and info. Again, my thanks to all for your support.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-51876513517710569542011-11-21T22:27:00.000-08:002011-11-21T22:28:11.327-08:00Thank youThank you for all the expressions of love and support. We'd like a day to just chill and the three of us to just be together. We've had so many visitors over the last two weeks since her last hospital stay that we've not had any uninterrupted time. We want to be in the moment and reflect on our beautiful Meagan. So tomorrow, Tuesday the 22nd, we'd appreciate some space. It's a guy thing, needing our cave. Thank you for your understanding.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-63163169887975191902011-11-21T20:03:00.001-08:002011-11-21T20:03:22.023-08:00She died exactly the way she wantedSurrounded by family, dogs, a warm fire, and Johnny Mathis singing. Very peaceful. She just slipped away. The boys and I were grateful, if profoundly sad, witnesses.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-65702357982612572002011-11-21T19:52:00.001-08:002011-11-21T19:52:23.980-08:00Meagan MacPhee - R.I.P.January 23, 1961 - November 21, 2011Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-1276261299316931752011-11-21T18:40:00.001-08:002011-11-21T18:40:14.120-08:00Probably tonightHer breathing has changed dramatically. Long periods of silence in between a series of deep breaths. Evidencing end of life symptoms. Likely hours, but mileage may vary.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-89927161791200388932011-11-21T15:13:00.001-08:002011-11-21T15:13:58.299-08:00Restless afternoonShe's been restless and agitated this afternoon, so I've been giving her medications hourly in escalating amounts to find a combo that calms her. Very similar to Saturday night. Hospice nurse visited before noon and walked me through what to expect and how best to comfort her. The human body really fights as long as it can. I think we are doing everything we can - I have good aides and she has had constant attention. It's interesting how, despite her unconscious condition, she will respond to someone talking to her. My amazing sister Molly was talking to her about a variety of things and telling her how she was going to take care of me and the boys and Meagan responded with a little smile.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-777633577337585362011-11-21T05:34:00.001-08:002011-11-21T05:34:43.199-08:00Sleeping quietlyShe was attended to throughout the night by a wonderful aide, Miriam. I have been so fortunate to get just amazing people to help me take care of Meagan through a firm called Andelcare. I am so impressed by the quality of the people as well as their warmth, kindness and caring. <p>Meagan continues to sleep peacefully. Miriam said she was active at various times, not awake but moving her arms and legs and murmuring. She has her preferences and expresses them - she does not want to lay on her right side. <p>I was able to sleep for about six hours. I feel amazingly more human-like this morning. An aide, Linda, will be here to help me today.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-87936449024782271492011-11-20T16:53:00.001-08:002011-11-20T16:53:11.843-08:00A quiet SundayShe's slept all day. I have a great aide today and we've been able to keep her comfortable and with necessary meds. I have an aide coming all night tonight, they will help me get her medicated and cleaned up and then watch her all night while I sleep. I'll be on standby for med administration and support. <p>We aren't sure whether her sleeping today is a reaction to the stress of yesterday or the transition to a new phase. She's had no food or water and I don't expect her to have any more. So it may be this is the final stage. But she is peaceful and comfortable and surrounded by her loved ones.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-43178650042031053832011-11-20T06:17:00.000-08:002011-11-20T06:18:06.570-08:00Worst night yetThere is nothing "lovely" about dying. After the trauma of her overfilled bladder and insertion of the catheter, she was resting reasonably and I thought we'd have an ok evening. The cancer and body shut down process dictated otherwise. She became very agitated. It also seemed as if she was in pain, and she could have been although she can't communicate where. I spent almost the entire evening up until about 1:30am working with the hospice nurses over the phone to figure out how to relieve the agitation and pain, and more importantly how to deliver it. Using trial and error, we finally hit a med combo that worked and she has been sleeping since about 2am. I dropped off to sleep on the couch for a couple hours. <p>I've learned a couple things. One, she will not tolerate the alternate delivery route. I need to find meds that can be delivered via IV or orally dissolved. She is still surprisingly strong and resistant. So secondarily, I need to have a helper 24x7. I'm strong, but I cannot maneuver her on her bed alone nor take care of keeping her clean. Any resistance is not futile, it works. At least against one person. She also has pain when moved so it needs to be a team effort. Thirdly, we need to change her anti-seizure meds. She went without last night and this morning. Trying to make that happen on a Sunday will be a challenge. But hospice is working on it. <p>So, here's plan. I'm letting her sleep some before giving her the easy meds (delivered through a gel rubbed into skin). I'll give her anti-nausea meds through her port. If there is pain, I'll add morphine. If she's agitated, I'll add Haldol, which worked last night when crushed and mixed with a little water. They are going to get me more of these either delivered or to be picked up. When my aide gets here at 8am we will get her cleaned up. I'll then call the service and have them arrange someone here 8pm to 8am so I have coverage 22x7, giving us a couple hours in the evening of private time. Lastly we will get her on a substitute anti-seizure med, likely phenobarbital, which will also have some sedative properties helping her agitation. <p>A verrrry stressful evening. Hoping for a nap this morning.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-24607416090308518692011-11-19T18:18:00.000-08:002011-11-19T18:18:20.481-08:00Again, a rough afternoonsleeping fairly peacefully now - in her gesticulating, talking out loud kind of way. But earlier things were a little harried. She started experiencing a lot of pain and it turned out to be her bladder - beyond full. Fortunately I was able to get morphine and anti-nausea meds into her and the hospice nurse got here in 20 minutes and put a catheter in, and she is now much more comfortable. At first I was concerned it was her spinal tumors, and not looking forward to having her doped up. With any luck the pain is gone and she can get back to her regular routine.<br />
<br />
Which for me is now about managing her while she is in bed. Good news - no more lifting in and out of wheelchair and to and out of bed and toilet. Bad news - just like taking care of an infant again. Plus I still have the problem of getting her anti-seizure meds into her.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-54538703316800077362011-11-19T11:51:00.001-08:002011-11-19T11:51:11.414-08:00Busy morning.Lot of effort this morning. Thanks to home aide it worked out. Got her cleaned, medicated and transported to the family room. She's all set up exactly the way she wanted it - bed by the fire, dogs by her side, surrounded by loved ones. She won't be getting out of bed again. We will tend to her there. She's mostly not present, sometimes aware. She seems comfortable. <p>The bedroom now is strangely empty.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4653935427808327275.post-47644342228594354192011-11-19T05:05:00.000-08:002011-11-19T05:05:20.592-08:00Still coughing...After noon yesterday she took a left turn and visited a brane world that hovers slightly above our dimension, close enough to participate in ours a bit, but clearly different. She has many conversations with people we can't see. She is quite active, gesturing and waving her arms about. Her posture took a noticeable change, slumping more and her head is canted to the left. It has to be uncomfortable, so today we are going to move the bed into the family room so she can participate to whatever extent she is able, but be able to lie in relative comfort, with the head of the bed elevated. It's the way she wanted it. She took no food and almost no water yesterday. I tried to get her to take little sips of water so she could take her pills orally but was unsuccessful. So we have to go to the alternate delivery route. She is coughing quite a bit - the nurse gave us some medication that we could use but it causes extreme dry mouth and I would just as soon not go that route. I gave her some additional meds at 2am and 3am that helped a bit - at 6am she gets her normal dose and we will see how that goes. I do like being able to give her the main three meds via the cream - that is a great advance. She is not getting her pain meds, although that does not seem to be an issue - if need be I can go to oral drops of morphine at a very low dose and counter the nausea with IV delivery of compazine.<br />
<br />
The hospice nurse gave the boys and me a very good overview of the dying process and what to expect. They each asked questions of her. The nurse has no idea how long it will take with Meagan, barring some major event like a stroke. It could be anywhere from 2-8 days - she is relatively young and healthy despite the cancer. It is hard to wake each day and realize that based on an assessment of her condition, she is likely to be around another 24 hours. Because she is there, but not there. And so as a coping mechanism, you necessarily adapt. As one of them said, 'Dad, I feel numb, just like you said". It's true - it's not that there is not love and care and depth of feeling for Meagan. It's that the Meagan we know is gone, except for the shell of a body and a small flicker of spirit. So what we are left with is a physical body to tend, without reciprocal acknowledgment or recognition or connection. It makes it a challenge, because you want to remember all the fantastic things - not the last days of delusional and disconnected sound and movement by a physical entity that is not what you associate with your mom or your wife.<br />
<br />
I don't buy into the notion that there are great lessons to be learned by this slow dying process or that it is a gift in some way. We have said our goodbyes, we have our good memories and her life lessons emblazoned into our hearts and minds, and we can carry forward the legacy of her spirit (in a non-religious sense) and joi de vivre. I'd rather it end sooner than later so we have the energy and positive associations of her final days to go forward. I know we don't have a choice in the matter - but if I had a wish at this point that would be it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1